Rantdump

A row is underway about the ‘incidental’ bugging of an MP. According to many politicians it is unacceptable to record the conversations of MPs.

My view is different, in that I think it’s not only acceptable but should be made compulsory. A more dishonest, scheming and thoroughly corrupt group of individuals you’d be hard pressed to assemble. The idea that the people who are voting to remove many of the current rights of the majority of citizens should also be protected from surveillance of any kind really warms my heart.

Political converations we could have done with overhearing:

“I know university can be expensive son so I have a little surprise for you.”

__________________

“We need to send this disc of 25 million personal records to head office.”

“Give it to me, I’ll take it when I do my eBay run”

__________________

“Thank you for your donation. We’re honoured, and before long you will be too.”

__________________

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It emerged today that yet another scandal – revealed this evening in a Tonight Special - is set to rock the BBC, questioning once more its integrity as a public broadcaster.  Our source can reveal that, in one broadcast trailer for the Children in Need appeal, Terry Wogan appeared to tear off his shirt, exposing a massive torso rippling with muscles – this was in fact A FRAUD.  We can exclusively reveal that this was not in fact Terry’s real body, but a COMPUTER SIMULATION.  A BBC spokesman refused to comment on the authenticity of Terry’s wonderful head of hair.  This new outrage comes hot on the heels of Eastenders-Gate, when millions of viewers were shocked to discover that the BBC’s long-running fly on the wall documentary was in fact ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. 

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I’ve been wondering about this one for a while.  Does anyone in the world really take even a second of their time out to type this illiterate, unconvincing and incomparably offensive froth, never mind go to the trouble of sending it?  Wouldn’t getting a job be far fucking easier?  Holy shit man, when you start a missive with the phrase ‘You have tiny dik and can’t satisfry wo womnan’ you are on to a hiding to nothing, trust me.  I’m no salesman but as pitches go, that’s a SHIFT-DELETE special.  Spammers and Virus spreaders - It’s about time we got armed response squads onto these fucking wastes of electricity:  one headshot into one fat fucking sociopath and that’s 10 Gigs of HD space saved globally  per day. Fucking result!  O Lord, when will it end?

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‘Destruction and death are rampaging erect and rampant across England this morning as the nation faces yet another devastating day of rain.  We go over to Mila StClair, who is at the scene of some of the worst flooding, in Veryposhton.  Mila, just how apocalyptic is it there today?’

 ‘Well, it is very apocalyptic here, as you can see, this used to be a car park.  Now it’s all wet.  Over there, can you see, that was once a road.  Now it’s more like a giant puddle.’

 ‘And is it true that this is the worst flooding we’ve experienced in this country since the last time?’

 ‘Yes Seamus, that is correct, the Met Office have confirmed that this is indeed the worst flooding we’ve had since the last time.  Now just to get a feel of what the people here are going through, I’ve got John Bloggs here, he owns the local newsagents here in Veryposhton.  John, just how wet has it been here?’

 ‘Well, very.  All my papers are wet, and all my lino’s ruined, that’ll have to go.’

 ‘And would you say it’s just like the blitz?’ 

‘Yes I would.  It’s just like the blitz.’

 ‘And there you have it, the people of Veryposhton showing the blitz spirit in the face of watery destruction at the hands of a vengeful god.  Back to you in the studio Seamus.’ 

‘Yes, thank you Mila, doing a great job there in the face of certain death.  And now we go over to Totherposhville, where Andrew McMarr investigates a town facing a watery grave.’ 

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When people use the phrase ‘Nanny State’ I don’t think Mary Poppins, I think Kathy Bates in Misery.  Watching the news these days I’m wondering what the f**k is going on in this country.  Taxed up to the balls, knackered (and deadly) public transport system, the shittiest weather imaginable, sleazy politicians slipping it up our collective ‘wrong un’ with big shit-eating smiles while we tacitly condone the deaths of thousands of civilians and no end of poor f**king squaddies just so Bush and his fat f**king coven of fat f**king fatcats can squeeze Iraq dry of cash.  And people wonder why we’re perhaps a bit dour.  F**k me, the state of this place it’s a wonder we aren’t hurling ourselves into the North Sea like lemmings using TomTom. 

This morning I see on the news that doctors are concerned about the level of adult drinking in the home and ‘think’ alcohol should be made more expensive to stop us, presumably, enjoying ourselves in one of the few remaining possible ways in this grey, cold, rip-off public toilet of a country.  Perhaps if the price of a pint of beer in a pub was less close to the minimum wage adults would be doing a little less anti-social drinking at home.  Apparently we do more of this than most of Europe.  Any European tourists who’ve visited here will know well why.  Go for a drink in say Holland, Germany or France and then try Britain.  Which evening do you think will be ruined by gangs of surly dickheads out spoiling for a fight? Ker-ching.

Meanwhile ‘Green Taxes’ are being kicked about, naturally the only solution to global warming being taxing the living f**k out of the populace, rather than dealing with the whopping great emissions from industry.  The government are talking about trying to get more working class kids into universities (is this discrimination against the middle class, we are asked) by – wait for it, this is massive – adding two questions to the UCAS application form.  They are: 

1)     Do either of your parents have any higher education qualifications?

2)     Have you ever been in care?

 I almost coughed out my jawbone when I saw this.  ‘Have you ever been in care?????’

 YOU CHEEKY PATRONISING F**KING COCKMUNCHERS 

Would be my reply, and I will encourage my son accordingly if this unbelievably condescending pile of rancid dogdoo is still being bandied about when and if he chooses to spend three years of his life surrounded by clueless rich kids who bum a 2:2 because they were too busy ‘discovering themselves’.  Honest to God, who makes this shit up?  And who gives it the green light?  Funnily enough, and this remained unmentioned in the report, a really good way to get kids from poorer families into education is to make it free. 

LIKE IT USED TO BE YOU FILTHY ROBBING BASTARDS.

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